


Circadian Rhythm

by cookiesfly



Category: The Dark Artifices Series - Cassandra Clare, The Mortal Instruments Series - Cassandra Clare
Genre: F/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-11-15
Updated: 2017-02-04
Packaged: 2018-08-31 02:35:06
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 3
Words: 9,152
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/8560021
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/cookiesfly/pseuds/cookiesfly
Summary: These dreams would have been a joy to anyone else, but to Julian, they were torture because they served as a reminder of what was. Every night he had to relive a moment of their time together, and he fell under the spell of the dream. But then he would wake up to face the reality of the situation. If he was being honest, he much rather preferred the actual nightmares he had as a child - those, at least, he knew were fake.





	1. Chapter 1

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I can’t get away from these two – so here is another Blackstairs fic. I’ve been sitting on this idea for months, but I finally decided to sit down and write this. This has not been beta’d so I apologize for any ridiculous grammar or spelling mistakes and I am nothing without a beta. 
> 
> The story kind of got away from me and ended up being a lot less angsty than I thought it would be and it decided to leave room for a continuation. Because I really like writing these two idiots, I think I will continue this, so stay tuned. I will probably write a chapter from Emma’s perspective because I feel like there could be some interesting ways to go about it. But for now, enjoy what I have written. 
> 
> Story title comes from the song of the same name by Silversun Pickups and it is such an angsty sounding song, its perfect.

_He had touched her so many times - when they spared or when they sat on the couch, or when they were studying in the library - but this..._

_Holding her like this, with her chin resting on his shoulder and her arms around his neck, it was overwhelming.  He could feel the flutter of her heart as they moved together.  Not even his wildest dreams could have predicted she would react this way to him._

_He wasn't sure they were dancing anymore and he didn't care.  He couldn't care about anything when he could feel how their chests moved together as they breathed. How perfectly they fit together. His brain told him that maybe it was because they were parabatai, maybe because of the connection they had that they were so in sync._

_But his heart told him otherwise. By the Angel, was this what love was like? This all-encompassing feeling that felt both like the calm before a storm and the actual storm itself?_

_Julian was so lost in his own thoughts that he almost didn't catch the way her fingers traced delicately across his wrist.  God, how would those fingers feel moving across his entire body?_

_His eyes found hers then. They were so inviting and warm. All he would have to do would lean in a few centimeters, but he felt her fingertips trace along his wrist again,"...Y-O-U...D-O-I-N-G?"_

_Of course she would be wondering what he had been doing. He had been stupid to assume that this - this intimate moment between them - was anything more than a mission, was anything more than just dancing._

_But...maybe it wasn't. Maybe she felt it too. Maybe she just wanted a confirmation before she let herself get in too deep. He didn't know whether to blame the music or the way she was looking at it him.  But consequences be damned, he told her the truth._

_Her reaction to his words just added fuel to the fire inside of him. He needed to be closer; he needed to feel her all around him. One of his hands curled around her hip and the other made its way to the bare skin on her back, the part that her dress didn't cover. Had she always had such soft skin?  No, she couldn't have, because otherwise he would never have stopped touching her from the first time she asked him to put sunscreen on her back years ago._

_"Emma," he whispered, more to himself than to her, leaning his head towards hers, feeling her ragged breath against his lips. He had wanted to kiss her so badly for so long now, always wondering how she would taste..._

_Suddenly, she was under him, tasting of salt water and strawberries and something so uniquely Emma that he couldn't put his finger on. For some reason, he was furious with her, but he would talk to her about it later, because he had never felt as alive as he had in that moment. He never wanted to stop..._

* * *

He woke up with a jolt, breathing heavy. The dream had felt so real that he could still feel the ghost of her lips against his own.

These dreams, well nightmares really, would have been a joy to anyone else, but to Julian, they were pure torture because they served as a reminder of what was. Every night he had to relive a moment of their time together, and he fell under the spell of the dream. But then he would wake up to face the reality of the situation. If he was being honest, he much rather preferred the actual nightmares he had as a child - those, at least, he knew were fake.

They hadn't started the night after she told him that it was all a mistake. That she didn't love him. No, the nightmares only started after he first saw her with Mark, in the training room, two weeks ago. They were both smiling, as if they didn't have a care in the world, their hands all over each other. It was all Julian could do, at that moment, not to puke. 

Glancing at his nightstand he saw the clock: _5:30am_. Perfect, he thought, as he dressed for his run.  He could leave the house without anyone noticing.

He hadn't been in the training room for weeks now, not since he first saw them together. Instead he ran as far as he could every day, worked out in whatever secluded building he could find, and then ran back. And it helped: the physical exertion made it easy for him to focus on something other than his nightmares, on something other than seeing her with him.

Well, it helped until the moment saw a couple running, or a couple sitting at the beach watching the sunrise. And then hit him all over again: the gut wrenching realization of what happened, of who Emma truly loved. 

He's not sure what hurts more, the rejection or the fact that she has never seemed happier than she was now.

A small part of his brain knew that he should be happy for them, because when you love someone, you want that for them. Maybe he was just fooled by his desire to be with her enough that he failed to see her lying about her feelings.

But it didn’t add up.  

Julian couldn’t believe that she would just throw away everything, without blinking an eyelash.  And that, out of everyone, Emma chose his brother - the one person who, she knew, would get him upset. It was too much of a coincidence.

And he knew (because he knew Emma better than he knew himself)  that it was sadness and longing that overtook her face whenever she was near Mark, whenever she kissed him. Why would someone be so sad about kissing the person they want to be with?

 That brought him to his next question – why? Why was she doing all this? Was this her doing or was it Mark’s? 

He took a deep breath and tried to center himself, wishing that he bought cigarettes with him. This was not the result he wanted out of his run. 

* * *

The house was still quiet when he returned. As he neared the kitchen, he spotted Liv all but running out of the room with an uncomfortable look on her face. 

"Liv," he started his question in his best big brother voice, but she held up a hand and shook her head. 

"Don't go in there, Julian.”

Right, because that was going to keep him out. 

The kitchen looked like it always had, except now, instead of it being filled with hungry children, it was filled with only two people. Well, now three.

There, at the center of the table sat Emma. Her face rested on the table and Mark sat beside her. He could see Mark's hand moving up and down her back in a comforting gesture. They were oblivious to the fact that Julian was now in the room. 

"Why is this so hard, Mark?" Her voice was barely a whisper and Julian had the nagging suspicion that she was crying.The thought had made his stomach drop. He couldn’t remember the last time she cried.

There was nothing that Julian wanted to do more than to go to her and pull her into him. Let her know that whatever was bothering her, she could talk to him about it because it didn't matter the relationship she now had with his brother, they were still best friends.

Before he had a chance to move, Mark replied in a soothing voice, "Because Emma, you’re in love."

He was confused and couldn't just stand there. "Emma, what’s going on?" He asked, his voice rougher than he anticipated it to be.

Both of them looked up at him, but the expressions on their faces were different. While Mark had the look of shame, Emma's looked shocked.

"It is not polite to eavesdrop, Julian," she responded, wiping the remaining tears from her eyes. "I'll see you later, Mark" she continued as she made her way out of the kitchen, avoiding eye contact with Julian.

And just like that, he was alone with his brother. Mark had a defeated expression on his face, one that he had seen before but couldn’t quite put his finger on.

He made his way to the seat that she was sitting in not a moment ago.

"Mark, what is going on?” He asked, but it appeared as if Mark had no intention of replying, so Julian continued.

“Mark, please, tell me what is bothering her so much?” He pleaded with his brother, trying to get him to understand his concern. 

Finally, after several long moments, Mark looked up at him, a sad smile on his face.

“I know you heard Julian, so you already know what’s bothering her.”

So that was what the shame on his face was about - he knew that Julian was in the room, and yet he made no sign of it to Emma. It was as if he wanted Julian to hear...

"Julian," Mark continued, placing a hand on Julian’s shoulder. “I promised Emma that I would not discuss this with you, it is her choice and both of us have to respect it. But... you are my brother, and I cannot bear to see you in pain.”

Did he mean...

“Julian, I hope what you have heard will help you put the pieces of the puzzle together. ”

With that he left the room, leaving Julian to his thoughts. 

He sat there, for what seemed like an endless amount of time, trying to put wrap his head around what had just happened. 

The events of the past few weeks spun around in Julian's head. The way Mark and her always sat a little too far from each other, the way Mark kept looking at him when he was with Emma.  

And then, just now: _"Why is this so hard, Mark?" "Because Emma, you’re in love."_

He got up from his chair then, determined. His instincts were right, and it was about time he got the answered he deserved. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thanks for reading and hope you enjoyed it. If not, I am sorry, I'm rusty and haven't written anything in MONTHS. 
> 
> As always, comments are greatly appreciated, but so are kudos. But comments are like 20% better, but who is counting right? Right.


	2. Chapter 2

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Every time he was around her, she burned with the need to tell him the truth.Tell him that she loved him more than she thought she could ever love someone, more than she thought anyone had ever loved someone before. Tell him that she was afraid that she would burn down the entire world for him, without a second thought. More than anything, she wanted to tell him the truth so that they would fight this together, because wasn’t that the point of having a parabatai, someone to help you fight?
> 
> But she couldn’t because she knew Julian: he would fight until his dying breath to figure this out. Dying being the word that Emma was most afraid of.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I’m sorry for taking so long to update, but finals are as stressful and take over your life for us teachers as much as they do for students. And once you are out of the zone for writing it is very hard to get back into it, at least for me, so thank you so much for understanding and being patient with me. But I am back now. This chapter being long is my apology for taking so long to update. 
> 
> I tried to make this chapter deal with Emma’s thoughts before and after the events of the previous chapter, so hopefully that was made clear. I also did this to obviously provide you with more angst and suffering, to prepare you for all the angst and suffering that we will be getting in the next book. Think of this story as me giving you a vaccination for Lord of Shadows. 
> 
> I also tried to mirror what Julian experienced in the sense that she had experienced the dreams too and that she felt just as rotten after them as Julian did. 
> 
> Thanks so much to ntlpurpolia for being a wonderful beta and helping make this into something readable. 
> 
> Featured song is Love Me better by Love Thy Brother Ft. Ariel Beesley

Julian had been a constant presence in her life since before she could remember, gradually carving a place inside of her heart. And now, her head was telling her heart that she had to evict him from his home and never let him come back.  How was she supposed to do that when every instinct in her body was telling her to never let him go?

Emma was a good actress, but she knew that this role, this role of pretending to not want to be with him, would be her toughest one yet. Still, she had to try and put on the performance of a lifetime because that's what you did when you loved someone: you sacrificed your own happiness for theirs. Emma thought that whoever came up with that idea was an idiot.   
  
Every time he was around her, she burned with the need to tell him the truth.Tell him that she loved him more than she thought she could ever love someone, more than she thought anyone had ever loved someone before. Tell him that she was afraid that she would burn down the entire world for him, without a second thought. More than anything, she wanted to tell him the truth so that they would fight this together, because wasn’t that the point of having a _parabatai_ , someone to help you fight?   
  
But she couldn’t because she knew Julian: he would fight until his dying breath to figure this out. Dying being the word that Emma was most afraid of.   
  
The only reason she had been able to feign any type of normalcy was Mark. While she knew that there was a part of him that didn’t agree with the plan, she was thankful that he had willingly accepted to help. Being with Mark was easy. They got along and if she tried hard enough, she could pretend that it was Julian who was sitting with her on the couch, that it was Julian who was holding her together, keeping her from falling apart.   
  
But then he would do or say something, which would remind her that despite blood, Mark was not Julian. His smile never light up the way Julian's used to when they were together, his hands never made her feel skin feel like it was on fire, and his eyes…   
  
“Mind if I join you?” Mark’s voice broke her from her reverie. She came down to the practice room to focus on something other than Julian, but somehow her thoughts always drifted back to him as easily as a leaf in the wind.   
  
“Sure,” Emma replied, putting Cortana in its sheath and getting into position across from Mark.   
  
This, at least, was the one positive to come out of this situation. Every day for the past week he had met her in the training room. He made a good sparring partner because, unlike Julian, she couldn’t anticipate his attacks; he moved with a grace and ferocity that was unmatched by anyone she had ever fought.     
  
“You are not getting any better, Emma,” Mark stated in an amused voice, as Emma tumbled down, failing to block one of his kicks.   
  
“Well, I’m not the one with the ridiculous fairy powers,” she teased, holding out her hand so that he could help her up.   
  
“Oh,” Julian said, appearing at the entrance to the room, causing both of them to look up.   
  
Emma felt like a deer caught in the headlights; unable to move from where she stood, still holding hands with Mark.  It was the first time in a week that she had actually looked at him; even from this distance she could see the hurt and confusion written all over his face and it broke her heart.   
  
It broke her heart because here was this boy who had shown nothing but love and kindness to her, the boy who had always been there for her since before she even knew what having someone meant, a boy who she knew loved her more than he loved anything else.   
  
And this boy was being hurt by her actions.   
  
If Mark hadn’t been holding on to her, she would have run up to Julian and told him everything just to stop the pain spreading across his face. She closed her eyes and leaned towards Mark, trying to focus on something other than Julian standing a few feet away; trying to focus on something other than the ache of emptiness and betrayal that was starting to overtake her.     
  
The touch of a hand on her cheek brought her back to reality. _Wrong_ , she thought to herself, _this hand felt wrong, it was far too soft…_   
  
Emma opened her eyes to find herself alone with Mark again. If this is how she felt after one week, how long would she be able to keep this act up?   
  
As if he heard her thoughts, Mark spoke, a sad smile appearing on his face. “The longer this goes on, the worse it will get. “   
  
Her _parabatai_ rune burned her skin and she felt the pain spread, reminding her why she decided to lie in the first place.  She took a deep breath and tried to center herself.   
  
“I’ll just have to get used to it then.”

* * *

_ When she first heard about the story of Sleeping Beauty, she laughed at the ridiculous notion of a kiss bringing someone back to life; after all, how much power could a simple kiss have? _ __   
__   
_ But now, feeling his lips meld with hers, she understood. _ __   
__   
_ Kissing Julian was like finally seeing the world in color. It was like the joy of watching the sunrise. It was like seeing the flowers bloom after a long winter. She was becoming a cliché, and she didn’t care. The only thing she could think of, at that moment in time, was the weight of Julian’s body on top of hers, the feel of his hands trailing down her naked sides. _ __   
__   
_ By the Angel, how long she had wanted to kiss him? _ __   
__   
_ She would never admit it, but she dreamed about what it would be like to finally break through that extra inch of space that was always between them, that was begging to be broken into, and let their lips touch. She dreamed of how he would taste – a combination of coffee and cloves that would remind her of nothing but home and safety. _ __   
__   
_ And she never thought it would be possible; never thought that he could feel the tiniest fragment of what she felt for him, so she buried her feelings down, deeper then she even thought she could bury anything and put it in a box, labeled DO NOT OPEN. _ __   
__   
_ Then he was gone to visit family and it was okay, because she knew that the reason she missed him was because parabatai weren’t supposed to be apart. And if anyone asked, her box had been firmly inspected and kept under tight lock and key. _ __   
__   
_ All it took was seeing him smile when he returned and the box opened so easily that she wondered whether she had ever locked it to begin with. _ __   
__   
_ And then he had rescued her from the darkness of the ocean and she felt like she was falling all over again. _ __   
__   
_ Even at night, with only the moon to illuminate the, she could see how beautiful he was and she couldn’t believe that she got to hold him the way she did now, got to finally have him. _ __   
  
She woke up with a start, sitting up on her bed, breathing heavy. She couldn’t remember the last time she had a dream that felt so real.   
  
The sunlight streamed through her window as she sat in bed, trying to regain some composure, to remind herself that this was the real world and it had all been a dream.   
  
But it was so much worse than a dream; it was as if someone had tapped into her memory banks and made her replay what was one of the best days of her life, on what was one of the worst nights in her life; she still hadn’t recovered from seeing Julian that morning, the expression on his face forever scorched into her memory.   
  
She felt hollow and empty in a way that she didn’t think was possible. It was as if with every breath she took, the pit in her stomach got larger, threatening to swallow her whole. She wanted to fall into her bed, hide, and never get up. Hide from all the rules and responsibilities that she had. Hide from all the people she had hurt.   
  
She tried to go back to sleep, but failed miserably. Every time she closed her eyes, she saw the two of them together: on the porch, in the van, all those nights simply holding each other…   
  
Christina said that Raziel had a plan for everyone, but she didn’t understand his plan for her. He had taken her parents and her home, and now, he taking away the one thing that made her feel whole. What lesson could she have learned from this experience if not that life sucks and then you die?   
  
“Emma,” Mark’s voice echoed from behind her door. “I know it is early, but I thought you may want to go for a run this morning?”   
  
Mark had this intuitive nature about him that she could still not figure out, so she shouldn’t have been surprised when he didn’t just leave when she gave no response, but instead walked into her room.   
  
“Oh Emma,” he said when he saw her disheveled look.  She saw the pity written on his face and she hated it; hated feeling and appearing weak, hated being pitied. At this moment in time, she wasn’t fond of his intuitive nature at all.   
  
With no hesitation, he made his way over to her bed, sitting down and propping himself against the headboard.   
  
Emma’s thoughts drifted to the days after the War, when the dust had settled and the wounds that had been haphazardly bandaged had re-opened, ready to finally begin healing. Those days were the hardest because there was no longer any distraction from what and who they had lost.     
  
She remembered sitting with Julian on his bed, watching night turn to day, both wary of going to sleep, scared of what they may find in their dreams. There was never any need for words between the two of them – the mere presence of the other had worked as a numbing agent on their wounds; they closed over painfully, but having Julian on her side made it tolerable.   
  
And how, she sat with Mark in the same comfortable silence, watching the sun make its way across the sky.  A quiet sob escaped her mouth as she realized that, while she had Mark to help her through this, who did Julian have to lean on? If it hurt her this much, she could only have imagined how much worse it must have been for him.   
  
She knew what Mark was going to say before he even said it.   
  
“How much longer do you plan to do this Emma?” Mark said; his voice soft, but determined. Her mind knew that she had to continue, but her heart, her heart didn't agree. And neither did Mark.   
  
“How much longer do you plan to torture yourself? I can...understand why you are doing this, but look at you; your heart breaks every time you lie to him and it is only going to get worse. The more you lie, the more you hurt him and in turn, the more you hurt yourself.”   
  
“I am doing this for him, Mark.  He has to stop loving me and this is the only way.”   
  
“Lying? There has to be a better way Emma. Maybe if you explained...”   
  
“There isn’t any other way Mark and you know that,” she said, trying to keep her voice from breaking. “Do you know what would happen if I told him the truth? Because I do. He would try fight through this even though there is no way to win. It would destroy...”   
  
“It’s already destroying him, Emma,” Mark interrupted, “and by the looks of it, it is destroying you too.”   
  
“Yeah, well better me than him,” Emma replied, turning away from him, settling deeper into her bed. She didn’t want to talk about this anymore, didn’t want to be reminded of how much she was actually hurting him. As if she didn’t already know.

She repeated her mantra: he may hurt now, but he would be okay in the future. He would fall out of love with her, maybe even hate her, but he would be alive. She shuddered at the thought of living in a world where Julian Blackthorn hated her.   
  
“What did you dream about anyway?” Mark asked a few moments later.  There he went with his faerie mind-reading powers again.   
  
“I don’t want to talk about it.”   


* * *

Days turned to weeks and... it got easier.  She no longer saw him in the training room and on most days they had somehow managed to avoid each other all day, aside from breakfast and dinner.   
  
The sleeping draught that Jem made for her worked to keep the dreams at bay. But when had anything went according to plan for her?   
  
Now, she sat alone in the kitchen, letting the heat of her coffee ground her; trying but failing to forget the dream that had attacked her last night.   
  
_ “Hey sleepyhead,” a voice as smooth as silk hit her ears, breaking  through that space between sleep and awake that Emma was currently in. _ __   
__   
_ “Come on, Emma, you can’t sleep all day,” the voice said. As much as she wanted to stay in the bliss that she was in, there was something in that voice that had started to pull her out of sleep. _ __   
__   
_ “There you go,” the voice said again and she felt the soft lips gently kiss her eyes, her nose, her cheekbones, and eventually her lips.   _ __   
__   
_ Slowly, she opened her eyes. There he was, mere centimeters away from her. Hair disheveled and a mischievous smile on his face. She felt all the points at which their bodies touched, and warmth surrounded her.   _ __   
__   
Is this real _ , she asked herself, not realizing she had said it out-loud. _ __   
__   
_ “Of course it is Emma.” Julian replied, chuckling slightly. _ __   
__   
_ But how could this be real? Didn’t she just tell him that she didn’t love him? Didn’t she just spend the past few weeks all but crying herself to sleep because of the pain of not being with him?  How could he be here after all  that, in her bed, tangled up with her... _ __   
__   
_ Her thoughts were quickly silenced with the feel of his lips on hers. They weren’t rushed but slow and gentle, as if they had all the time in the world. _ __   
__   
_ He suddenly pulled back, looking at her with worry. “Hey, what’s wrong, Em? Why aren’t you kissing me back? My breath isn’t that bad, is it?” _ __   
__   
_ “Sorry, I just...I had this terrible nightmare.” She replied. And the more she thought about it, the more terrible it seemed. How could she ever break up with Julian? How could she ever lie to Julian about being with...his brother? _ __   
__   
_ He pulled her closer, bringing their foreheads together.  “Want to talk about it?” _ __   
__   
_ She didn’t want to, but she told him anyway.  She told him that in her dream, she broke up with him because parabatai aren’t supposed to be in love; told him that to make him not love her, she pretended to date Mark. _ __   
__   
_ His face hardened when she finished the story and he pulled her closer. _ __   
__   
_ “I’m sorry you had to dream about that, but you know that it’s not real,” he said as he gently, rubbed his nose against hers, giving her an Eskimo kiss. “I love you, and you love me, and that’s the only real thing that matters.” _ __   
__   
_ He was silent for a few moments until he continued, “No more movies for you before bed, your imagination is getting too active.” _ __   
__   
_ He was probably right. It didn’t really matter what she dreamed about anyway, because she knew, feeling the way he kissed her, that her dream wasn’t reality. _ __   
__   
_ As she pulled to kiss him once more, Liv’s voice rang out from behind the door. _ __   
__   
_ “I don’t want to know what the two of you are doing, but Mark and Helen and Aline are downstairs making breakfast, and if you don’t get down there fast, there isn’t going to be any more food for you two.” _ __   
  
And then she woke up.   
  
She’d been sitting in the kitchen for what must have been hours, unable to be in her bedroom - memories of the dream replaying in her mind.   
  
Emma knew that as she sat there, the rest of the Blackthorn clan must have shuffled into and out of the kitchen to get started with their day, but it was all a blur. All she could think about was how real the dream had felt and how much she longed for a future like that.     
  
If she was being selfish then she could understand why she was being punished like this. But she wasn’t being selfish, if anything she was being selfless, ready to sacrifice her own happiness so that Julian could live a full life.   
  
Only once the room had cleared aside from Mark, she began to speak, unable to keep her worry to herself.  She would never be able to repay Mark for all that he had done for her.   
  
“I had another dream last night,” she said, answering his silent question.  “It was even worse than the last time.”   
  
She knew that he would have said something if he thought it would have helped, but he knew it was pointless, so he let her continue talking.   
  
“I don’t understand Mark. Why didn’t the draught work?...Why is this so hard, Mark?”   
  
Mark replied in a soothing voice, "Because Emma, you’re in love."   
  
Maybe the _parabatai_ -love-thing that Jem had told her about was even stronger than she thought, and it frightened her because she did not want to continue to be plagued with dreams of what could be and what was.   
  
“Emma, what’s going on?” Julian’s voice rang out from the front of the room.   
  
The look on his face was no longer filled with anguish like it had been the last time he had caught her and Mark; instead, it was determined. The same determination he had worn when they found out that Octavian had been taken by Malcolm..   
  
A sudden chill ran through her body; it was a strange mixture of relief and unease.   
  
She felt uneasy because she wondered how long he had been standing there, how much had he heard? Julian was smart and she knew that if he had heard enough, he would be able to figure it out, and he couldn’t figure it out...he just couldn’t.   
  
But a small part of her also felt relief because she was tired. Tired of having to put up a front, tired of having to lie. Maybe if he heard enough he would figure out the truth and she wouldn’t have to put up this front anymore.   
  
But no, she shook her head as if to clear it. She needed to try to hold on to her resolve even though it was crumbling like a house of cards. He couldn’t know. She was doing this for him. He had to fall out of love with her.   
  
“It is not polite to eavesdrop, Julian.” She said as she got up from her chair.   
  
“I’ll see you later, Mark.” Emma said, keeping her eyes away from Julian’s, because she knew if they had made eye contact, he would have been able able to read her like a book.   


* * *

Julian had usually knocked, but now he just barged into Emma’s room, all but slamming the door shut.   
  
“Emma, this has gone on long enough,” Julian began, walking closer to where she stood.  She was scared of the fire she saw behind his eyes and took a few steps back, not trusting herself to be that close to him.   
  
“I know you are lying and you are going to tell me why.” He said through gritted teeth.   
  
“I am not lying about anything Julian.” She said, trying to keep her voice as steady as possible despite the hurricane that was running amok her mind. “I...I  love Mark, you have to get over it.”   
  
She had to remove herself from this situation because he couldn’t know; she can’t tell him the truth, she couldn’t, she just couldn’t...   
  
He grabbed her arm as she walked by, not letting her leave. She missed his touch, missed the way it burned into her. He pulled her close and whispered into her ear.   
  
“Well I don’t believe you, and I’m not leaving this room until you tell me.”   
  
His breath was hot against her ear and it was all she could do to try to remain calm, try to keep up the facade; had to remind herself that he could not know.     
Because if he knew the truth, there would only be two options.   
  
The first, to say screw the rules and lie - lie about their relationship to their family and to the Clave. She couldn’t, no wouldn’t, let them do that because lying to his family would inevitably destroy him with guilt.  The second, to fight the law -  to fight the Clave and figure out a way to make it work. She wouldn’t let them do that either, because she knew a fight with the Clave would only end badly; she remembered how it had ended for Helen and Aline. 

She wouldn’t be able to live with the thought of Julian losing his family, now that he had just gotten most of them back together; he had lost enough in his life, and she was not going to be the reason he lost anyone else.   
  
But how much easier would it have been if he had known the truth? No, she couldn’t think like that. She didn’t have the luxury of thinking like that.   
  
Using the rest of her strength she pulled away from him, “Fine. I’m leaving then.”   
  
She would go to Jem and have him make something stronger, maybe see if had a draught to silence her thoughts. She would do anything, she would take anything, just to silence the doubt in her head and rebuild her resolve.   


* * *

The house was quiet when she got back, returning much later than she intended. Spending time with Jem and Tessa had been both good and bad. Good in the sense that hearing Jem and Tessa tell stories was a good distraction from her life. Bad in the sense that she had to be in the same room as two people who were madly in love and were allowed to express it, reminding her of everything she would never have. Because she knew that there would be no one else besides Julian for her.   
  
Emma shouldn’t have been surprised to see that he was still there - sleeping on her bed. She was going to wake him up, tell him that he had his own bed to sleep in. But as she got closer to him, she saw the bags under his eyes, obviously he hadn’t been sleeping well.   
  
What would it hurt to just let him sleep there then? Besides, she could just feign not caring in the morning, saying something like, “I had to sleep and I couldn’t be bothered to wake you up.”   


She tried to silence the little voice in the back of her head that was screaming in delight at the chance to be close to him again, even for just a few hours. Carefully, as not to disturb him, she made her way over to the other side of the bed, laying down opposite him, so his back faced her chest.   
  
The moment her head hit the pillow, she was overcome with the familiar warmth that was coming from him, bringing back the raw need she had lived with for years - a need to get closer to him, to nestle her face into the crook of his shoulder, to not have any space between them.   
  
She had lived with that for years, so she could surely survive a few more hours, besides, this wasn’t so different for how it was.   
  
Except it was. Everything was different because now, she knew what it was like to be that close to him, knew how perfectly she fit into the crook of his shoulder, knew exactly what it was like to be held by him.   
  
Emma felt her body move on autopilot, as if she was just an observer, as her hand made its way into his hair, gently brushing out the tangles there. His hair felt just like she remembered, soft and thick.   
  
She knew she shouldn’t be doing this, but...what would it hurt? (She knew she would regret it, but still, she couldn’t help herself)   
  
Her hand gently made its way from his hair, tracing down his body, from his cheek to his neck, down his arm and towards his hands and back up again. She repeated her path several times, trying to commit the feeling of his skin to her memory.

And if she’s doing this to commit to memory, she might as well go one step further, just a little bit more to remember him by, so she moved forward, pushing her face into his back, curling her hand and pulling him in.   
  
All  her senses were saturated with him. The way he felt, the way he smelled, the way he looked all soft and tired. The way his body seemed to relax the moment she curled around him. The way his hand squeezed hers…   
  
She stilled in a panic. She was so wrapped up in her thoughts that she missed the shift of his breathing, the tell-tale sign that he was waking up.   
  
Emma knew she should have removed herself from him, but there was something holding her in place, and it wasn’t just his hand, it was the warmth of him that was pulling her in, the familiarity that she had been missing for weeks. Besides, just because he squeezed her hand and his breathing had evened out didn’t mean that he was awake. Maybe in the morning she would shift over and if he questioned her about it she would tell him he was dreaming.   
  
That sounded like a good plan to her until he spoke.   
  
“I thought you were in love with my brother.”   


**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I had to leave you all on a cliffhanger again because that’s the type of person that I am. Still have not decided what kind of ending I want for this, so I’m going to apologize in advance if it takes a while for me to get it out to you guys. 
> 
> Also, because [Km2c](https://archiveofourown.org/users/Km2c/pseuds/Km2c) suggested that having another dream sequence would be good...I decided to throw two in there!
> 
> I don’t think you can get in trouble for copying what you wrote elsewhere, so because it made sense, I kind of borrowed from some themes and ideas I used in my other fics, because if it worked before, it is going to work again.
> 
> Lastly, It is winter and sadly Santa won’t give me any coal for Christmas because I’ve been “good” so I won’t have anything to power my heaters. Thankfully, I have converted my heater to run on kudos and comments, so if you want to keep me warm this winter, you know what to do. I live in Buffalo and it gets pretty cold.


	3. Chapter 3

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> She’d read about mundanes who would seek out truths in different ways – some would turn to religion, others would turn to science – but to her, the only truth she needed was the truth she saw in his eyes. And that truth burned as bright as the brightest star in the sky, burned as bright as when the Angel Raziel rose up from the Lake.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Surprising literally everyone (myself included), I have managed to write the final chapter of this story incredibly quick. 
> 
> Did a bit of a throwback to the City of Bones movie, which, while it was atrocious, did have a few saving graces. And a Linkin Park reference because that line worked so well. Also I kind of channeled some Logan from GG in the desperation that Julian had so there’s that. 
> 
> Thanks again to [ntlpurpolia](https://archiveofourown.org/users/ntlpurpolia/pseuds/ntlpurpolia) for being super awesome and beta-ing 
> 
> Featured song is Take It All Back by Judah & The Lion

_“I thought you were in love with my brother.”_

His voice, still hoarse from sleep, rang loudly in her ears, leaving her paralyzed; she had been caught and there was very little she could do to try to deny the fact that she had curled herself around him like a kitten around a warm blanket.

A part of her couldn’t deny it because she had missed this too much: missed being next to him, missed the warmth and the feeling of peace that engulfed her. More importantly, a part of her _didn’t want to_ deny it because of how starved she was for his touch.

Only now did she realize just how off kilter she had been for the past few weeks, a mere observer in the movie of her life. And now that the world had gone back to making sense, now that she could finally breathe again, how was she supposed to be okay with going back to the unnatural rhythm her body had adapted?

If she had felt like this, she could only have imagined how it had been for him. She tried to fight off the feeling of guilt that started to rise up and replace it with determination – maybe there was still a way to save this, to find a way to keep the lie going…

But the longer she stayed wrapped around him, breathing him in, the less she remembered why she was lying to him in the first place. Because screw the world, screw the Clave, screw everyone who was trying to keep this from her – to keep _him_ from her.

She knew that she would have to answer him, to give him some kind of explanation, especially after everything that had happened today, but she wasn’t ready for that, not just yet. For now, all she wanted to do was stay there – stay in his arms for as long as possible before reality hit them and made them move, made them realize the situation they were in.

“Can we just...not talk right now?” She said.

He didn’t reply, only squeezed her hand tighter, understanding without question.

Emma wasn’t particularly tired, but there was something about their breathing starting to align, something about their chests moving together, something about the way Julian’s hand delicately moved to entwine their hands to his heart that made her melt like warm wax, allowing sleep to take over.

* * *

Emma couldn’t remember the last time she had slept as soundly and peacefully as she had last night, not plagued by nightmares or distractions, not having to _pretend_ that she was curled around him, because she was. Somehow, in the middle of the night, he must have turned over, because she was cradled in his chest, their legs tangled together, as if their bodies had missed each other as much as their hearts did.

And this is what it could be like every day for the rest of her life: waking up next to him in their bed, going down and having breakfast, stealing kisses while he was cooking, holding hands while studying with no one giving it a second thought because it was normal, natural. Her heart swelled at the thought.

She felt the change in his breathing this time, and a small part of her knew that she should move away, but it wasn’t as if she could: the hold he had on her wasn’t just holding her in place, but it was holding her together, keeping her from breaking apart, and there wasn’t a cell in her body that would be okay with moving away, not wanting to go back to how she used to feel.

His hand moved slowly, from where it encircled her waist to her arms, making its way up to her shoulder and across her _parabatai_ rune. His hand lingered there, and she took a moment to look at him; she’d forgotten the way his hair was in the morning, all tangled and parted in the wrong way, the way the crease just above his eyebrows never seemed to go away.

He moved his hand from her shoulder to her face, his fingers gently cradling her cheek and it was all she could do to not close her eyes and just bask in the feeling of being touched by him again.  She leaned into his touch as soon as he spoke.  

“Em.” That one syllable was filled with more love and longing than she thought one person was capable of holding and she was glad she hadn’t closed her eyes, because he chose that exact moment to open his, capturing her gaze and not letting go.  

Emma thought she would have to invent a new word because there wasn’t any phrase in any language she knew – ancient or modern – that could explain what she was feeling. Her heart cried out; it cried joyfully, for there was nothing like looking into his eyes; it shouted angrily at her for denying this and putting both of them through so much, and for what?

She’d read about mundanes who would seek out truths in different ways – some would turn to religion, others would turn to science – but to her, the only truth she needed was the truth she saw in his eyes.  And that truth burned as bright as the brightest star in the sky, burned as bright as when the Angel Raziel rose up from the Lake. That truth was, there was nothing as important as being with him, nothing could be as important as this, and every single reason she had for lying to him melted away; it was as if there had been no reason at all.

His hand tightened on her face a little, as if to remind himself that this was real, that it wasn’t just a dream.

“I know you, Emma. I know you _so_ well and I know that you are lying,” He spoke softly but with intent.

“I can _feel_ that you are lying. You think you are a good liar, but you’re not. You never have been.” A breath-like laugh escaped him and he was right – she tried so hard, but in the end, it didn’t really matter because he saw through her as if she was transparent. It was silly to think that she could actually go through with this and make him believe otherwise.

He took a deep breath in then, gently pulling her face even closer to his, letting their foreheads touch and closing his eyes before continuing, “Whatever it is, you know you can tell me.” 

In that moment, the desperation in his voice was unlike anything she had ever heard. “ _Please_ Emma...just tell me what’s going on.”

He moved slowly then, as if not to startle her, and placed a gentle kiss on her forehead, lingering there for a few seconds before moving away, back to face her side by side, still staring into her eyes, his thumb now moving back and forth along her cheek.

She was suddenly reminded of what it was like to dance with him, to kiss him for the first time, of how he was always there for her, always putting others before himself, and she felt...miserable.

Miserable because this was never just her choice to make – this concerned both of them and it needed to be a decision they had to make together. She had agreed to include him in on all of her decisions when they became _parabatai_ , and by making the decision alone, she ended up hurting the both of them. How could she have been so stupid to think she could do this by herself?

She shouldn’t have been surprised that this was how this ended – that this was the result of her trying to push him away. Mark had warned her; even her own heart had warned her that this was how it would end.

It was always the two of them and it would always be the two of them, they were tied together in more ways than one, and there would be no way of getting away from that, the love that this boy had for her and that she had for him would not disappear, no matter how hard they tried. And if that was the case, why _should_ she try?

So Emma had to apologize – needed to apologize because of how selfish she had, needed to tell him just how much she regretted her decision because she only wanted what was best for him; in trying to be selfless she had ended up being selfish and she could only hope that he forgave her.

“I wish...I wish all of this was different,” she began. “I wish my parents were alive so that we could have just stayed friends. I wish your parents were alive so that you didn’t have to take on all the responsibility. I wish Helen was never forced to go, because she would tease us about our feelings for each other, no matter how much we denied them.”  The words flowed from her as easily as a crested river. It was somewhat therapeutic, finally getting everything that was inside of her out in the open.

“I wish I didn’t have to hide what I felt for you all those years; I wish we didn’t have to pretend that we don’t...love each other.” She had to close her eyes then, because admitting that she loved him was one thing, but being face to face while she said it was another, especially when he was this close, and she had to keep talking; she couldn’t lose focus.

“I would wish for so many things, Julian, that aren’t enough shooting stars in the sky, but if there were, I’d wish all of them away just to be with you.

“And then I had you and it was like all of the pieces fit together...except one that had a defect and no matter how much I tried to put it in its place, it just wouldn’t fit...it wouldn’t fit and we couldn’t have this so I had to take myself out of the equation, to give you a way out....because there was no way out for me, but there was a chance for you, so I had to take it. I had...I had to take it for you because I would not let you lose your family, not for me.”

“Did you really think that I could ever stop, Emma?” His words caused her to open her eyes and look at him; the expression on his face was somber. “Did you really think that this charade would ever work? That there was _anything_ you could do to make me not love you?”

“I had to _try_ , Jules.” She said, placing her hand on his, wanting him to understand her reasoning, even though it was lackluster. “I know it was selfish of me, but I had to try, because this...this _can’t_ be, there are too many things that can go wrong, too many people who can get hurt. You have no idea the damage that this can cause...I had to try something and I know it was stupid and I should have known better, but I had to try.”

He didn’t say anything for a long time, and she was scared that maybe he was going back on what he said, that the more he thought about it, the more he realized that he could stop loving her. And he had every right to – she had lied to him and hurt him in the worst way possible.  It was painful to think that, but if that was the outcome, then at least her original plan would work – he would no longer love her and there would be nothing to worry about, no consequences apart from a broken heart. She wondered if there were any runes to help with that.

“That’s not what I’m thinking, Em. I don’t hate you, I could _never_ ever hate you. ” He said as confusion spread across her face. He took their hands and properly entwined them, bringing them to rest between their bodies.  

“See, I told you I know you,” he teased before continuing, “Maybe there is a way to make this work, we haven’t done that much research and we owe it to ourselves to at least try.”

Emma came to the realization that she didn’t deserve him – didn’t deserve this boy who had been hurt by her and still loved her, still wanted to fight for her. She was so lost in her own thoughts she almost missed what he was saying.

“We both made a decision we regret in the Silent City, and now we have to live with it, but we can’t let it define us, because nothing makes sense without you.” He took their entwined hands then, and pulled them up to his lips, placing a gentle kiss on her hand before returning it to rest on his chest.

“And when I’m with you...I forget about all the bad – I forget about what Helen and Mark have been through, I forget about my parents. I forget about the fact that when we leave this house we don’t have a guarantee that we will come back in one piece. I forget about _everything_ and I know it’s the same for you. So we deserve this, we deserve this one thing because we sacrifice enough of ourselves to what _they_ want, Emma. Isn’t it time for us to think about what we want for a change?”

And his reaction was exactly what she knew his reaction would be, except now, she realized that all the risks they would have to take, all of the hurdles they would have to jump through would be worth it. The weeks’ worth of pain could have been avoided; the nightmares and the lying were all for naught and she couldn’t believe how stupid she was to think otherwise.

“The only thing I want, Jules, is you.”

She wasn’t sure who kissed who then, but it didn’t matter. All that mattered was that they were kissing. Kissing him again, after so long, felt like coming home; kissing him felt like putting on a strength rune. With that kiss she felt her body started to rearrange itself back to its original, natural rhythm, with Julian being its pacemaker.  

Her _parabatai_ rune burned as their lips slowly moved against each other, their hands touching everywhere they could, every part that they had not been able to touch.

And she realized that they weren’t kissing for some kind of end-goal; they were kissing because they were making a promise to each other – that they would fight through this, that they would overcome this, because there wasn’t any other alternative.

She broke the kiss then because she had to tell him, because she had waited too long and couldn’t wait any longer.

“I just...I didn’t get a chance to say it before. I love you.”

Julian was beautiful all the time, but he was especially beautiful when he smiled.  And the smile that formed on his face was unlike anything she had seen.

But she didn’t have time to take it all in, because the next moment he was rolling himself on top of her, kissing all over her face – her eyes, her cheek, her nose, and she could feel the smile on his face as he kissed her.

He stopped before getting to her lips and looked at her, laughing unapologetically, without a care in the world.

He leaned in, bringing their bodies flush against each other and whispered into her ear, “I love you too Emma.”

Before she knew it, he was kissing her again, much rougher than before. This was exactly what she needed – exactly what they both needed, trying to make up for lost time, trying to share all of their regrets and worries without speaking them.

But she had faith that they would. They had overcome demons and the death of their parents, they had overcome their families being ripped apart, and they were able to endure all of it together. This would just be another obstacle in a long line of roadblocks that they would have to face, but they would get through it together, because there was no way, not ever again, that she would give up on this, give up on them. Because there was nothing stronger, no law or rune that was stronger than the love that they had for each other.

Jem said that _parabatai_ who were in love became too powerful; well, maybe it would turn out to be a good thing. Maybe it would give them the upper hand in being able to figure out a solution.

A knock on the door and Tavvy’s voice suddenly brought her back to the studio, except this time, she hadn’t locked the door.  

“Emma, have you seen Julian?”

They both pulled away and panic enveloped her as she thought of what it would be like if they were caught. Julian, however, remained calm, not moving from where he was on top of her, instead he simply traced random patterns down her collarbone and answered Tavvy.

“I’m in here, is it an emergency?” He was still breathing heavy and Emma wasn’t sure if Tavvy would be able to hear it through the door, but it didn’t seem like Julian cared at all.

“Well no, but...”

He replied mere milliseconds later, as if it wasn’t even a decision. “Then I’ll come down later.”

And then he was kissing her again, like the thought of being caught didn’t matter to him anymore because he had her.  And maybe it _wouldn’t_ matter if they found out, because they were all a family anyway, and nothing would really change, it would just take some adjustment.

Maybe that dream she had wasn’t a dream at all, but instead a look into the future. She wouldn’t have minded that at all.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I don't think I've ever written something that just seemed to go as fast and as smoothly as this chapter, so I hope that I met everyone's expectations with this story and I hope its not OOC. Plus, I figured we deserved something nice to hold on to before LoS. 
> 
> I have another one-shot in the works and my only hope is that I can write that one as quickly as I wrote this chapter, its pre-Lady Midnight. 
> 
> Thank you for reading and for all of your continued support, you have no idea how much it means to me. Comments, kudos, and everything in between are always appreciated.


End file.
